{June 23, 2014}   hi again stalker

i’ll randomly type whatever in my mind

this is the second time i got a long period of time that i keep asking God every time

      “why You let me meet and love someone so much with all of my heart when it ended up worst? You are God and You exactly knew what will happen right? Then why don’t you just separate us before?”

the answer is:



TELL ME WHYYYYY!?? *sing david archuleta song*

i typed so many paragraph ab love and my life, but ended up deleting all because i know its useless for u to know right? *wink*

that’s right. when your chest hurt so much and you can’t eat anything, tears can’t stop and all of you is crumbling, sometimes we need to force ourself to cheer up and just trust what we want.

*watch cute cats and owls and parrots*

:o good song

“Wherever You Will Go”

So lately, been wondering
Who will be there to take my place
When I’m gone, you’ll need love
To light the shadows on your face

If a great wave shall fall
It’d fall upon us all
And between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own?

If I could, then I would
I’ll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I’ll go wherever you will go

And maybe, I’ll find out
The way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days

If a great wave shall fall
It’d fall upon us all
Well I hope there’s someone out there
Who can bring me back to you


Run away with my heart
Run away with my hope
Run away with my love

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart, in your mind
I’ll stay with you for all of time


If I could turn back time
I’ll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I’ll go wherever you will go

I’ll go wherever you will go

{June 21, 2014}   Protected: 4 Months

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

{January 8, 2014}   Java Jazz ?!

So last saturday suddenly my vocal teacher ask me to join the perform on java jazz

my first reaction was, “HUH?!”

so chosen student will perform there. 

i didn’t really know what java jazz is, all i know it’s for pro singer and entertainer to perform D: i say, omg God I’m not capable to do this. My voice is not that good to perform there. Kinda scared but excited and happy. Another chance! Now i see it all, God let me handle the small and give me another bigger chance to perform :) Thanks God.

But still, I’m scared. Tho everyone say that i am capable and this is a good chance. Well, i know there’ll always be a first time for everything. I really hope i didn’t messed up my performance there. 

{December 9, 2013}   Honor God’s Voice Above All

my problem: I keep asking people. Friends and families, about my solo performance at a mall this Sunday. I keep asking them if it’ll be bad to sing alone and play guitar as the only instrument while my other friend sing along with band. Not just that, i really really really don’t have any confidence to sing there. Why? because the other singer are far better than me. I think that i might be a failure between those performances. I’m afraid there will be no hands clapping for me while the other get them. Or maybe when i sing everyone leave but when the other singer sing it started to be crowded.

I ask God why He gave me a chance but i’m not ready yet. I mean, i feel worst. Then He said “When you didn’t have the chance to perform, you ask Me to give you a chance to show you that you can. Now when I give you the chance why you question me back? If I gave you a chance to perform then I know that you can. I would never let you handle things you’re not capable of.”

I know that’s an answer towards my questions. But.. It’s just, i can’t convince my self to stop worrying this thing.

Today, again, God speaks through Joyce’s daily devotional:

“Blessed is the man who believes in, trust in, and relies on the Lord, and whose hope and confidence the Lord is.”-—Jeremiah 17:7

One attitude that welcomes the presence of God into our lives is the attitude that honours Him above everyone and everything else. Our attitude need to say, “God, no matter what anyone else tells me, no matter what i think myself, no matter what my own plan is, if i clearly hear You say something and i know it’s You, i will honour You and honour what You say above everything else.”

Sometimes we give more consideration to what people tell us that to what God says. If we pray diligently and hear from God, and then start asking people around us what they think, we honour their human opinions above God’s. Such an attitude will prevent our being able to consistently hear God’s voice. If we are ever going to develop an ability to hear from God and be led by His Spirit as a way of life, we have to stop listening to so many opinions from so many people and begin trusting the wisdom God deposits in our hearts. There is a time to receive good counsel, but needing the approval of people will keep us out of the will of God.

The devil wants us to think we are not capable of hearing from God, but God’s word says that is not true. The Holy Spirit dwells inside of us because God wants us to be led by the Spirit in a personal way and to hear His voice for ourselves as He leads and guides us.

In the verse for today, God says we will be blessed when we look to Him. According to Jeremiah 17:5-6, severe consequences come to those who trust in the frailty of mere men and women, but blessed are those who trust in and honour the Lord.  Good things happen if we listen to God. He wants to be our strength and we must honour His Word above all else. 

Hear what others have to say, but listen to God.


God remind me about my purpose. What is my real purpose? Is it to seek popularity? It’s not good to have hidden ambition. “You sing for Me, so why you should bother what other would react? Put your confidence in Me, and you shall worry nothing.”

Well, thanks God! Everyday has it own lesson to be learned. 

{December 9, 2013}   Determined People Succeed

my question to God  : “Why there are people who easily rise and be popular without any hard work? It’s like the chances and luck are upon that person for the rest of his/her life. Why i can’t be that person? Why is it hard for me to achieve my dream?”

Yesterday, by Joyce Meyer’s taught me not to trouble my mind about where God leads me. Joyce said that many people who are called “shooting stars”, or people who quickly rise to the top of their profession without going through all the difficult early days, don’t last long. And i started like, “oh yeahh this might be the answer!” then i continue to read it. Here some of the words that hits me.

“Character is developed during difficult times. Our call and desires are tested when we are told no time after time and still remain determined. Only determined people succeed. Just because we take a step of faith doesn’t mean that we will avoid the rest of the process. God usually builds slow and solid, not fast and fragile.”



{November 30, 2013}   God Provide Me
Hai :) kali ini gw mw banyak cerita tentang perjalanan musik gw. Jujur, gw amazed bgt kalo inget bahwa cerita ini udah disusun sama Tuhan dari awal mulanya.. 

Dari gw kecil ternyata gw emang udah demen banget bikin lagu, tapi telat nyadarnya. Baru nyadar pas SMP 3, pertama kalinya bikin lagu komplit buat ujian praktek :) 

Oke, dari awal. Sejak gw umur 3 tahun nyokap udah sediain keyboard karena dia pengen gw pinter main musik. Gw sempet diles-in selama 3 bulan dan setelah berenti gw dibeliin buku dan latihan sendiri dirumah. Tapi begitu menginjak SMP, gw tertarik sama gitar yang dikeluarin dari gudang. Bau apek, bunyi jelek, gitarnya juga jelek. Tapi dari gitar itu lah gw belajar banyak tentang cara dan teknik bermain gitar.
Taon berikutnya gw dibeliin gitar baru sebagai hadiah ultah. Dan taon berikutnya lagi tiba2 menang undian Rinso dan dapet sejumlah uang. Gw tambahin ke uang tabungan dan gw beli gitar string :) 
Pas SMP, gw sempet bertanya ke Tuhan. Tuhan, kenapa aku dari kecil mau les ini itu ngga pernah dikasih. Gw inget dari kecil gw pengen les gambar, les vokal, les gitar, les jepang, itu semua gw ga pernah dikasih. Sedangkan gw liat temen2 gw di provide sm ortunya. Gw sedih, kadang gw sampe nangis. Apa mimpi gw itu bakal jadi sia2. Tapi mak gw selalu ingetin, kalo emang Tuhan mau berkatin gw, Tuhan pasti punya cara dan waktunya sendiri. Bener aja, pas SMA tiba2 ii gw nawarin gw les jepang. Gw dibayarin 100% full. Itu bener2 bikin gw kaget. 
Lalu pas lulus SMP, gw dibeliin itouch. Emang udah rencananya Tuhan gw pny itouch karena dari itouch lah gw kenal garage band. Gw diajarin cara pakenya sama k’oni, kk gereja gw. Gw mulai aransemen lagu gw. 
Pas SMA, gw envy banget liat org pake mac, karena waktu itu kelas SMA 2 itouch gw udah mulai rusak dan ketika gw liat garageband di mac, kece pake banget banget. Waktu itu gw emang bener2 niat banget dalemin music production. Sampe2 univ pun mau ambil jurusan itu (yang tentunya ditentang abis2an sama ortu)
Gw utarain keinginan gw buat punya mac.. Ortu keberatan. Belum kepakai, kemahalan, buat apa kayak bakal jadi artis aja, dan sebagainya. Gw kecewa sebenernya, cuman gw selalu confess kata2 ini kalo gw lg ngedown. 
“Kalo emang Tuhan mau gw mendalami dan berkembang di bidang ini, Tuhan pasti akan provide gw dengan cara apapun. God will provide me”
Selang berapa bulan gw mulai kenal sama alat2 recording. Satu kata, MAHAL. Karena emang sampe titik itu keuangan belum stabil jadi ketika gw utarain pun respon ortu masih sama.. Disaat itu gw sedih, gw merasa passion gw bener2 100% disana tapi kenapa rasanya ngga di support. Dilain sisi gw ngerti emang mahal sih.. Yasudah, gw pikir, gw tetep confess kata2 diatas.
Gw pendam cita2 gw, dan gw absen main gitar berbulan2. Karena ngga ada itouch buat edit lagu…
Waktu liburan naik SMA 3, suatu hari tb2 dede ngajak minum starbucks dan gw ngga tau kenapa jawab PV pas ditanya mau dimana. Sejem-an kita sekeluarga nongkrong dan pas mau pulang lewatin toko reseller apple. 
Cicilan 0% 12 bulan
…miracle starts here, mak gw nanya apakah gw mau beli mac itu? Gw bilang, duit aku blm cukup. Cuman ada 1/3 nya di tabungan. Dan mak gw setuju nambahin sisanya. PRAISE THE LORD gw sampe gemeteran pas beli macnya. Sampe dirumah gw masih speechless dan cuman bisa pelototin itu mac sambil berusaha bangun dari mimpi yang sebenernya bukan mimpi. Seneng bukan main.
 Beberapa bulan setelah dibeliin mac, dede gw masuk les vokal. Pas nganterin hari pertama dia les, ada 2 guru les musik juga yang tiba2 keluar dari kelasGimana ceritanya ngga tahu, tapi kita jadi ngobrol2 (Kata mereka, kebetulan banget murid mereka berdua ngga dateng makanya bisa ngobrol) dan gw disuru nunjukin lagu2 bikinan gw. Setelah terbang gara2 dipuji2 gw ditawarin free trial sama mereka. Hasilnya, 
“anak ibu ngga bisa masuk yang reguler lagi”
Gw pikir gw jelek banget suaranya……..ternyata katanya gw direkomen langsung masuk kelas yang artis. Seneng sih dipuji terus seharian, cuman sepintas gw mikir, ah mungkin biar gw les disana aja kali. (Btw, yang direkomen buat ngajar gw itu couchnya indonesian idol, x factor, dsb). Tapi sayangnya ngga ada jadwal. Katanya sih ntar dicariin. Sedih sbenernya, dan excited juga karena pertama kalinya setelah dari kecil pengen, ada kesempatan buat les vokal..
1 mgg yang lalu, hari minggu gw ketemu K’oni. Gw nanya banyak hal tentang garage band dan bikin lagu, dan pulangnya gw ngmg ke bokap. Kalo gw butuh mic karena tiap kali gw rekam blabla, butuh midi blabla headphone monitor blabla. TANPA berharap sama skali bakal dibeliin mengingat respon terakhir bokap gw adalah absolut GAK
Bokap: “Yauda, hadiah ultah kamu aja. Mau? Kamu butuh apa aja? Cari aja”
lakjsdfalskdjfasdfkjas;dlfkasdfjasdlfkja sWHAAAAAAAT
Gw. bener2. speechless. Bahkan setelah gw bilang harga kira2 bisa sekian juta, bokap gw mengijinkan. Atur aja. 
Ngga sampe disitu, 6 hari setelah itu, nyokap ditelpon sama bagian admin les vokal yang waktu itu. “ini ada jadwalnya jam sekian, mau ngga?” Nah kan ada 2 tipe les. Yang artis sama kelas hobi. Yang artis mahal banget dan emang dipersiapkan jadi artis jd gw milih kelas hobi aja deh…takut ngambil yang ono mahal banget. Gw telpon dong bokap, minta ijin.. karena harganya ngga murah.. dan sekali ambil 6 bulan. Degdegan, takut ngga dikasih kalo dia denger harganya. 
 “atur aja yang penting jadwal kamu ngga bentrok” dan emang tepat banget jadwalnya sekalian mak gw ke gereja dia (karena les nya emang di gereja dia). God is amazing. 
Belom selesai, dari sana gw ke satu institute di jakarta. Lagi ada open house dan gw berencana mau masuk kesana buat ambil short course music production, dan lagi2 Tuhan bekerja. Ada disc masuk sana dan ajaib bokap gw langsung suruh daftar..
Baru kemaren nyokap bilang, “Kes, Tuhan itu sayang banget loh sama kamu, kamu mau apaa aja selalu dipenuhi walaupun ngga langsung. Dan selalu surprise. Kamu mau baju warna warni, bisa ada yang ngasih satu kantong cocok semua. Kamu mau les jepang, bisa ii mau bayarin. Kamu butuh mac, bisa mami pas ada duit. Butuh set recording papi bisa mau beliin tiba2. Tuhan bener2 sayang sama kamu” dan hari ini, gw daftar les vokal dan les music production gw yang selama ini gw impikan sejak kecil.. 
Sedangkan emang blkgn ini gw lagi ngedown. Gw emang sering banget ragu sama diri gw apakah gw punya skill yang cukup? Apakah gw emang talented? Gw sering frustasi kalo bikin lagu. Kenapa orang2 yang baru pertama kali bikin bisa banyak yang langsung bagus, viewer ribuan dsb. 
Dan tadi, mak gw cerita satu hal yang bikin gw (kepengen) nangis ditempat. Ngga tau kenapa tapi gw terharu banget waktu denger, resepsionisnya ngmg ke nyokap. Kalo sampe emang guru les yang jadi couch di berbagai tempat itu ngga ad waktu buat handle gw, guru les musik yang pernah ngasih free trial buat gw, mau turun tangan buat ngajarin gw.  Gw kaget, dia masih inget gw. Bahkan ternyata dia yang maksa si couch ini buat sediain waktu buat gw. 
Gimana Tuhan ngga atur semuanya? tanggal 15 gw diminta untuk perform di sebuah mall buat open house sekolah. (emang.. suara gw dibanding temen2 yang maju juga ntar, kalah jauh.. ) cuman mgg depan gw mulai les vokal dan gw bisa persiapin buat ntar. 
Gw ngga bisa ngmg apa2 slain thankyou God.. Ternyata Tuhan ngga lupa sama mimpi gw dari dulu.. Gw baru sadar blkgn ini bokap gw dapet banyak opportunity buat dapet penghasilan banyak mendadak, itu bagian dari rencana Tuhan buat kasi gw hal2 yang tadi mendadak gw dapetin..
Gw cuman bisa nangis mikirin semua hal yang Tuhan kasih ke gw. Tuhan bener2 provide semua yang gw butuhkan. Dan hal2 ini bikin gw makin yakin sama langkah2 gw kedepan. Mungkin skill gw kalah jauh kalo dibandingin orang2 lain, tapi gw percaya Tuhan punya rencana dan agenda nya sendiri. 
Thankyou God, Thankyou Dad, Really really thank you. 

{November 11, 2013}   Random

I still remember it clearly the ‘me’ whose family was broken, and how rejected i was back then. When no one wants to be my friend, they even make a haters group for me. Everyone hates me, including myself. I never wanted to be like this. I don’t choose to be born like this.

I also remember God said many things to me through many things. One day, my spiritual mother was trapped in a traffic jam on her way to meet me and she park in a random place then walk by foot to a mall where we’re supposed to meet. It’s quiet far and dangerous. She said this to me: ” on my way to this place, i was so desperate with the traffic jam. I ask God if i should go home or keep going. Then i hear God say that, No, keep going. She is important for Me.” and i feel that God really loves me that He knew that i really need someone to talk with at that moment.  

There’s some time when i feel like God is getting my life no where, and it’s useless to read bible. But by that time, when i feel God is probably sleeping or maybe i’ve been forgotten, deep in my heart i still choose to trust Him. Now, in silence i found His presence. There are no words, no warm hugs, no tears, nothing. But i feel His love through silence. Idk why i’m feeling this right now, but i know that He loves me. Everything He has done was only to protect me even if He knew that i would maybe hate His work.

It’s been a long time since i feel His love and His presence on a real way like, yah, hard to explain. But, through this i learn to trust Him with a pure heart. i mean, it’s easy to have faith when He gives you everything you want, or when He show you every love He has. But when it seems like He’s abandoning you and forgetting you, could you still be able to trust him ?

At the moment, i have no reason to trust the existence of God, or fact, or anything that can prove He’s real. I can’t feel His love for me. But still, i choose to trust Him. I believe that He LOVES me more than anything He ever created. I CHOOSE to believe that He’s right beside me watching me and protecting me. Or maybe He’s smiling right now seeing me growing from a baby and now a girl.  

Despite all those things. Deep in my heart, i wanted to be loved. i want You to come and hug me, comfort me when i’m alone, or say something to encourage me to walk through the days.. i miss those days when i can easily find Your presence and feel Your love. I’m sorry for everything i’ve done that broke Your heart.. Thank you for everything You’ve done , or will be done in my life. Please don’t give up in polishing me. I love you :)

 Sorry for the random thing. 

{September 30, 2013}   バンヅング



学校の仲間達と ^^楽しいね〜


僕の仲間 :“もう、ダメダメ”


{September 20, 2013}   “@OmgItsKei: To…

“@OmgItsKei: To lose, is part of one’s life. Just remember, you won’t keep something that’s already broken and can’t be fixed.”

et cetera

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 346 other followers